To me Father's day is more of an inconvenience than a day in which to celebrate the love I have for my Dad. It was his birthday only a few weeks ago and Gary is a very difficult man to buy things for. Mainly because he buys anything he wants for himself.
But also he doesn't really have any interests. All he ever does is watch his sky plus and take far too long typing web adresses in his google search bar on his macbook air. He likes football but thinks people who wear football shirts are 'nobheads.' (actual quote) He has things he likes but they verge more on obsessions than actual interests. The average lifespan of a Gary Gillett obsession is about 4 to 6 weeks.
Currently he's into tea, but rather than trying a new type of Twinnings every week, he bought himself a lifetime supply of loose tea leaves and a tea infuser. No point buying more tea leaves. He won't get round to using them. No point getting a tea pot. He doesn't really like making other people cups of tea.
Saturday afternoon, I had a wander around John Lewis. I Had a quick look at the recommended Father's day gifts. There were things like chocolate lollies with 'Dad' written on them, Homer Simpson socks and various items, such as money boxes and notebooks, with union flags printed on the front of them. I doubt that anyone actually buys recommended father's day gifts. If they do, then they shouldn't. There's about as much love involved in giving a recommended father's day present as there is in writing the script for a Halifax advert.
I know that whatever I give him, he'll pause his sky plus to open it, say thanks, with a little less conviction than the year before and then go straight back to his episode of Dexter,that he will have recorded over a year ago but will have only now gotten around to watching it. And that will have been father's day.
Unless I bought him one of those recommended presents. In that case he'd just look at me for a couple of seconds, he'd be thinking... 'why did he even bother?' i'd be thinking... 'should have bought him some new tea leaves.' He'd miss out the thank you and return to his sky plus without saying a word. I'd go upstairs to my room... and write a blog about it. Probably.
Sunday, 19 June 2011
Friday, 3 June 2011
The AGA Saga
As soon as you've actively decided that an AGA is better than a conventional oven then you have successfully made the leap into the upper middle class.
'They're actually more energy efficient than conventional ovens.' I can see why you may think that a device which, contains 3 ovens and 2 hot plates that are always turned on, is energy efficient. Laws of physics and that may disagree with you though. But hey, them Scientists used to think the world was flat, so there is every likelihood that they're wrong about AGAs.
'But Jack, they heat up the entire house!' If that's true then great! There is nothing I need more than for my home heating to be unregulated so that my house ends up hotter in summer than it is in winter. But it's not true. Still, who doesn't love an unbearably hot kitchen eh?
'There's an oven which keeps plates warm.' Yeah. There's an expression about straws and clutching which may be apt here but to be fair everyone knows the cornerstone of a memorable dinner party is the warmed plates that the outside caterers serve their food on.
'Oh Fuck off! We pay the damn bills don't we!! Why should it matter if we spend a little more money on gas than the rest of the country?!'
Because you're not using just a little more gas but a lot more gas and you are deluded to suggest that you are a better person for doing so. You're ignorant to your own decadence, I don't care how decadent you are I just want you to accept and acknowledge the fact that you are better off than many others and accept that you are decadent. That aside, you haven't eaten a pain au chocolat until its been heated in an AGA. Quite simply sublime.
Insecurity-ridden usage of sarcasm to one side for a moment, I have no qualms with the upper middle class. If upper middle class was a race, I wouldn't be racist. Some of my closest friends are upper middle class. They can't help that they've been born into AGA using families. I'll eat their moroccan Humus, lightly seasoned kettle chips and sun dried tomatoes in sicilian olive oil, I'll even laugh at their jokes about the Labour government. But ask me to switch to a bloody AGA!? I'll stick to my Sainsbury's taste the difference range of microwaved meals thank-you very much. Nothing tastes more different than an over microwaved lasagne stuffed full of good old middle-class preservatives.
'They're actually more energy efficient than conventional ovens.' I can see why you may think that a device which, contains 3 ovens and 2 hot plates that are always turned on, is energy efficient. Laws of physics and that may disagree with you though. But hey, them Scientists used to think the world was flat, so there is every likelihood that they're wrong about AGAs.
'But Jack, they heat up the entire house!' If that's true then great! There is nothing I need more than for my home heating to be unregulated so that my house ends up hotter in summer than it is in winter. But it's not true. Still, who doesn't love an unbearably hot kitchen eh?
'There's an oven which keeps plates warm.' Yeah. There's an expression about straws and clutching which may be apt here but to be fair everyone knows the cornerstone of a memorable dinner party is the warmed plates that the outside caterers serve their food on.
'Oh Fuck off! We pay the damn bills don't we!! Why should it matter if we spend a little more money on gas than the rest of the country?!'
Because you're not using just a little more gas but a lot more gas and you are deluded to suggest that you are a better person for doing so. You're ignorant to your own decadence, I don't care how decadent you are I just want you to accept and acknowledge the fact that you are better off than many others and accept that you are decadent. That aside, you haven't eaten a pain au chocolat until its been heated in an AGA. Quite simply sublime.
Insecurity-ridden usage of sarcasm to one side for a moment, I have no qualms with the upper middle class. If upper middle class was a race, I wouldn't be racist. Some of my closest friends are upper middle class. They can't help that they've been born into AGA using families. I'll eat their moroccan Humus, lightly seasoned kettle chips and sun dried tomatoes in sicilian olive oil, I'll even laugh at their jokes about the Labour government. But ask me to switch to a bloody AGA!? I'll stick to my Sainsbury's taste the difference range of microwaved meals thank-you very much. Nothing tastes more different than an over microwaved lasagne stuffed full of good old middle-class preservatives.
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